For a lot of people, Saturday April 4th will simply be the day before Easter this year. For me, it is the first time we will not be celebrating Grandma’s birthday. It would have been her 100th. I was pretty excited about it and was toying with the idea of throwing her a big surprise party with family from California and everything. But she passed away last spring and so the party isn’t happening.
There are so many awful things that you go through when you lose someone close to you. One of the worst is that people stop understanding. I lost my Grandma almost a year ago and it is a little easier to think of her without wanting to cry, but it still happens. For the first few days and weeks people understand that you are feeling a great loss. But then they forget, or expect you to have gotten over it already. It makes it so much harder.
I still find myself thinking about how much she is missing. I look at my nieces and I wish Grandma were able to see how adorable they continue to be, how the eldest is really coming out of her shell and maturing at school. I wish she could have met the newest addition to the Bentrim clan, Amelia. I wish Grandma could be at my wedding. I wish she was still here, I miss her.
I know she is in a better place. I know that 99 years is a pretty damn good run. I know that she died at home with those she loved and that she went quickly and painlessly. But despite all of this, I cannot help but be a little selfish and feel how my life is different – a little emptier – now that she is gone. Happy Birthday Grandma, I wish you were still here.